In this edition:
*Boyfriend is not a Cocksucker
*Blow Jobs can Damage your Health
*Sci-Fi Sex
*Burning Pee of Fire
*Shaved Women
*Blow Jobs v. Sex (the showdown)
*Bad Head better than None?
*First-Time Fears
*Don’t Douche the Snapper
Also, everyone say hey to our four new SEXPERTS: Alix, Deb, Defiant, and The Corporal. Check out their sites(info at bottom).
And as always, please send your questions to malfouka@workingclassautopsy.com or post them in the comments.
Disclaimer: We’re doctors of love, not medicine. Any medical advice should probably be checked up on.
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I’m gay but I’m wondering if you could answer a
Question? My boyfriend says he’s not a top or a bottom
but he won’t suck my dick. How can I get him to
satisfy me? ~anonymous
Defiant:
Sounds like he isn’t really gay. Does he know he’s
your boyfriend? Because if he isn’t gay and doesn’t
know he is your boyfriend, asking him to suck your
dick will probably render that kind of response
Deb:
Hang on hang on. He’s not a top or a bottom and he won’t suck your dick? You’re not someone’s boyfriend, you’re a convenient cock sucker because I’ll bet you’re sucking his. Why are you even with this guy? It seems to me that he’s just looking to get his needs met and has no interest in you at all.
The best way that you can get your “boyfriend” to satisfy you is to leave him and find someone else.
Alix:
First things first, Anon, make sure your boyfriend is also gay. But seriously folks, it sounds like going down on your hash pipe is not his cup of tea. But if oral sex is something you can’t live without, something you can’t compromise on, then maybe your boyfriend is not the one for you. Life’s too short to stick it out with someone who won’t even try something that is pleasurable to you. Have a heart to heart and let him know how much you would appreciate him at least humoring you once in a while. If that doesn’t work wait till he’s asleep and rub ‘it’ gently against his lips until you finish off.
The Corporal:
Well, you could wash it, shave it, make it more visually appealing. Or, just tell the selfish bastard that if he wants his sucked, he better get on his knees.
Gordo:
Dear Anonymous:
I can see where your boyfriend is coming from by not claiming top or bottom status. I still hesitate to claim a side. I think a lot of it is just for play…but it sounds like yr boyfriend is not too much into play. If he won’t do anal, and he won’t suck yr dick…what does he do? I guess you need to tell him what will satisfy you. You are the important one here. You can ease him into a situation…try some romance. If you still find that he is not satisfying you, maybe he isn’t the right one for you. Let him know though that you need some satisfaction.
Zafu:
Dear Anon,
I’m not gay. I lean to bi, but I think everyone is probably
bi. I’m basing that on feeling more than experience.
Having established that, let me tell you that I am not a
top or a bottom either. Yet I enjoy sucking penis! Since
your boyfriend doesn’t, and since you want your
satisfaction, I’m going to suggest you force your BF to do
you. No wait… Have you tried asking him why he won’t suck
it? The answer may surprise you.
But I realize you don’t always want to get all
“psychoanalytical” and stuff, so try smearing a favorite
substance of your BF’s on your wang and waving it
enticingly at him.
Look Anon, I don’t mean to be flip here, but the truth is
Gordo has a point. If your BF isn’t into doing you or being
done by you, and won’t suck you off, what is he in it for?
Ooooooh, he likes to talk. In fact he talks too much…
“I’m not a top OR a bottom” and “I DON’T suck dick.” Blah
blah blah. Sheesh. That guy sounds like a jerk. Assuming he
lets you suck him off on occasion, I say that’s a paltry
excuse for a sex life and you need to dump him and find a
normal guy.
malfouka:
Hmmm. Either you live with what you’ve got or you don’t. Simple as that. There is no way to make someone do something they do not want. Talk with him, ask him what he wants from your relationship, explain your needs.
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Hey, I’m gay too. Can you get STD’s through blow jobs?
~Jake
Defiant:
Not at all, and you’re a bad person for asking.
Deb:
Yes you can get STDs through blowjobs. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts (HPV), intestinal parasites (amebiasis), and hepatitis A are some of the STDs you run the risk of becoming infected with when you engage in oral sex.
Scientists should really look into developing nicer tasting condoms.
Corp:
Sure you can. Herpes, AIDS, Hepatitis – you name it. All it takes is an open wound in the person’s mouth, and your willy will be a blistering pussy mess in no time. But hey… no unwanted pregnancies! (Oh wait… You’re gay.)
Gordo:
O Jake:
There is a simple answer to yr question. YES! Unfortunately you can get all of the little devils through givin’ blowies! Now, if you are worried about HIV, I don’t believe there is enough research to tell us if we can contract HIV through oral sex, but I say it’s better to be safe than sorry. I know connies (condoms) are no fun when you are making genital to oral contact, but if you don’t feel safe…use the connie or don’t do it at all. Overall, I say that oral sex is safer…but speaking from experience it CAN HAPPEN.
Zafu:
Dear Jake,
Yes, of course you can. If the other person is a carrier
you can get STDs from any sexual/intimate contact with them
without a barrier, as far as I know. Though obviously
rubbing a stranger’s semen into an open cut on your arm
will increase your odds of contracting, even something as
benign as a blowjob finished by hand with your longterm BF,
where his ejaculate doesn’t come into contact with you, is
not really safe. There are all kinds of little cuts and
abrasions in your mouth (think of brushing your teeth), and
HIV (for one) has been found in pre-ejaculate, last I
heard. Even if you know your partner fairly well, what’s to
stop them from screwing around without telling you and
bringing home some anal warts or a raging case of herpes?
STDs are no fun, so try to take care of yourself out there.
That goes for non-gay people, too, obviously. Enjoy, but
don’t be reckless, and say no once in a while, you ho.
malfouka:
If you are going to blow bareback, make sure you do not brush your teeth beforehand.
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I have fantasies about sci-fi sex, where I am on a
planet far far away and I am kept as a slave by a
young spaceship captain who is constantly finding new
ways to make me feel exposed and vulnerable through
sex. In my fantasy I am completely besotted with this
captain and there is nothing that I would not do if he
asked me. He is so inventive in his control of my
sexual release, and I am so completely responsive to
his every new whim, that we are each in the other’s
thrall. There is seldom any pain involved, nothing
more than a spanking or hair-grabbing.
What do you suppose this means??
~Kurious Kim said
Defiant:
You have cancer
Deb:
Wow where can I order one of those dreams. Women love being dominated, even the bossy ones who lord it about over their husband. Secretly we wanted to be dominated and, dare I say it, forced into sexual acts in a non-violent manner. It’s also not unusual for women to even fantasize about rape type situations where they’re tied up and forced to have sex or endure strange sexual fetishes.
Continue to carry on your fantasies with the young spaceship captain and with any luck you can make it a reality with a special someone. If not, there’s nothing wrong with investing in a good trusty vibrator.
Alix:
Good one Kim, I think the whole sci-fi slant on what is otherwise a dream about real life sexual frustration just reflects your sub-conscious desire or belief that the person who can make you feel in this manner described in your dream does not exist in your normal waking life. Keep
reaching for the stars honey…the captain of your dreams will soon be found to ride your ass like a spaceship. 
Corp:
Um. Way too much Star Trek? Or, it could mean that you have a healthy sexual imagination, and there is nothing wrong with that. I often have fantasies about being handcuffed and repeatedly molested by four women who all look like Evangeline Lily. Enjoy the dreams, and use them later on if you need something to think about when you feel like masturbating.
Gordo:
Kurious Kim:
That sounds hot. I am not sure that it means anything except you have a fantasy. You can always try to live out this fantasy to an extent with a lover or you can try taking out an ad. I would be careful though…make sure you absolutely trust the person. I think it sounds pretty hot. Have fun and go through with it or just keep it in yr dreams. Sometimes what you can imagine in yr head can be hotter than actual physical contact, especially if you have a sci-fi fantasy, I mean it is going to be difficult to rent out that space ship. O…and if you got really desperate you could hang out at “star trek” conventions.
Zafu:
Dear Kim,
Does this spaceship captain look like a young Harrison
Ford, by any chance?
malfouka:
Fantasies are GREAT! As far as I’m concerned, the only thing your particular fantasy means is that you’ve got an active and remarkable imagination. Keep it up and don’t worry—fantasy is usually not reality and anything goes.
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Here’s my question. Why does it burn when I don’t pee?
~Unrefined Pantheist said
Defiant:
Well if it stops burning when you pee (which I’m
assuming it does since it burns when you DON’T pee)
then piss all over the place and all over everyone. Do
it in a public place.
Deb:
Chances are you have an infection. You’ll want to get that shit checked out.
Alix:
Where is the burning? Is it that intense burn that comes with a urinary tract infection? Is the burning near the urethra or near the base? If it’s near the base you may have prostate problems. Either way see a urologist. A burning cock is no way to go through life. Unless of course you’re a female, which will make me a total ass of me.
Corp:
Because your urethra is trying like hell to hold back the inevitable golden shower. Like any muscle, it gets tired.
Gordo:
Hello Unrefined Pantheist:
It is unhealthy to hold in yr pee. Go Pee!!! Go make yrself pee now. If it is always burning, you should take a trip to the doctor. I am also under the impression that you should probably drink more water. I drink water all day when I am working…I find it is the key to either good health or an excuse to go to the bathroom a lot throughout the day.
Zafu:
Dear Pan,
Is your urine cloudy? You may be cultivating a urinary
tract infection (or worse, bladder or kidney infections) by
not peeing. Drink about 8 glasses of water every day, for
starters. Also, cranberry juice always helps to allay any
burning sensation in my UT when they do happen. Even
cranberry tablets do the trick.
If you’ve never seen a doctor about your burning sensation
related to peeing or not, it may be wise to do so. They
will ask you for a pee sample and can test it to see what
you have. Take care of yourself.
malfouka:
Fer christ’s sake take a piss! Then see a doctor. (Where do you people come from?)
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It may or may not be considered a part of sex. I was
thinking about this today. When did women first start
shaving.
Defiant:
When men got tired of choking on pubic hair
Alix:
Well, I believe that women have ALWAYS trimmed their bushes as well as going completely bald probably even dating back to the renaissance. I have also heard that until recently it was a common practice to shave an expecting woman’s cooch just before her due date, probably to make things neater and easier to clean up. The thing is these days it seems more commonbecause everybody and their moms are going out of their way to show off their previously private parts. I mean Cosmopolitan seems to have an article on Brazilian waxing as soon as the weather gets warm. it’s a sign of the times
Corp:
When they realized that most men find sasquatch crotch unappealing.
Deb:
There are two theories. The first being that Western women first started shaving in the early 1900’s when short sleeved dresses and blouses became more common. Women didn’t show an awful lot of skin at one stage so the removal of hair wasn’t always necessary. Leg hair became a thing of the past when ankle and then more than just ankle was finally allowed to be viewed.
The second theory is a little closer to the truth though. It’s been said that men were upset with the bill passed that allowed women to vote so they set about thinking of the most humiliating criticism in a bid to feed on woman’s insecurities. One day, Walter Schick was busy shaving his face when it came to him: Women didn’t have to shave their faces so they could damn well lose it from other places and a glut of anti-hair advertisements ensued, fashions were changed and suddenly women were forced to endure razor burn for all eternity.
Thank god for feminists.
malfouka:
Historically, humans have always fiddled around with body hair. It’s been burnt off, yanked out, and shaved away with crude instruments. It’s been cut with knives and obsidian and dissolved with caustic chemicals such as lye. However, the modern practice of women removing underarm and leg hair is a relatively recent phenomenon. Up until the early part of the 20th century, women did not shave; they weren’t yet aware that body hair was a flaw. Then came the infamous May 1915 edition of Harper’s Bazaar magazine featuring a model in a sleeveless dress with arms raised overhead. Her armpits were hairless and smooth. The tagline read(s), “Summer Dress and Modern Dancing combine to make necessary the removal of objectionable hair”. And thus a new industry was born. The first to directly market razors designed for women was the Wilkinson Sword Company. Playing on the insecurities of women, the ad campaign was designed to persuade women that underarm hair was both unfeminine and unhygienic. Soon, other companies followed. The practice of shaving the legs didn’t start until much later, after WWII, perhaps as a result of the leg-baring pin-up girls of that era. Now, the convention of shaving the underarms and legs has become so ingrained in our (mostly American) consciousness that we automatically assume female body hair to be unnatural and something that must not be allowed to exist. Bullshit! I say. Anyway, I will spare you a manifesto on my aversion to shaving and move on to the ever-popular topic of pubic hair removal.
Women, as well as men, have, throughout history, removed the pubic hair—for practical as well as aesthetic reasons. However, in modern western culture—as a whole—pubic hair removal, until recently, went pretty much unpracticed in general society. Shaving the genitals was considered kink or fetish to the average person. During the last two decades or so of the 20th century, sexuality in all its glorious forms came—if you will—further out of the closet than it had ever in the past. Suddenly, the average person was comfortable viewing pornographic films and visiting strip clubs—once the sole province of dirty old men in trench coats—and activities that were once considered deviant or perverse became just another aspect of sex. Furthermore, more and more women started to become very comfortable and unembarrassed with their sexuality and were willing to experiment with their own fantasies and pleasure. Shaving the pubic area (en masse), I believe, began as a result of the relaxation of female sexuality. It felt pretty nice during sex to have a hairless vulva… Unfortunately, as time has gone on, pubic hair removal has become more of a male-centric demand rather than a female choice. In other words, having a bare or nearly bare vulva is what is expected and demanded from the male partners of women.
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I’ve been saying for years that head is better than
sex and some guys say this is true and others say that sex is better than head.
Def:
All personal preference my friend. Maybe you just
haven’t found a girl with a real nice velvet curtain.
Deb:
I would actually agree that head is better than sex. You get more muscle control, better rhythm, friction and sensation and you get the whole sucking and swallowing action and if you’re one of those rare heterosexuals out there, you won’t get anyone pregnant.
Alix:
Both are equally pleasurable and serve their own purpose. You can’t have one without the other is my opinion on this. Sitting on the couch watching TV while your girlfriend/boyfriend plays the flesh flute is the greatest thing ever invented. But every now and then I need to have my
hands on my wife’s hips as we make sweet, sweet, monkey love. I also like the warmth of her body against mine while we do the horizontal mambo. Or that priceless sensation you get as the head of your penis enters the orifice of choice. Those things I cannot live without. And I REALLY love head!
Corp:
Who cares? No matter what you are getting, at least you are getting some! Everyone has their own preference. You could always offer them a blowjob to prove your point.
Gordo:
This sounds like more of a comment than a question. I guess it depends on yr partner and the situation. I don’t think I have a preference. I like it all.
malfouka:
It’s all good.
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Now see, that’s another question. How the hell do you
give head “wrong”?
Def:
TEETH
Deb:
Teeth…
Alix:
Don’t use teeth is a good rule of thumb(unless requested). Don’t act as if you’re about to be sick (the gagging sound is okay) but dry heaves are not. If you’re gonna put your face down there you might as well enjoy the time spent and get into it. Don’t use your mouth as a penis holder where the head is in there touched only by air, use your cheeks the roof and tongue to enclose the cock. Also play with the balls, rub them as if you were trying to keep them warm (but keep away from the anus, unless requested)
Corp:
There are plenty of ways to give head “wrong”. Letting your teeth scrape across it, gagging too much, not using your tongue at all, not paying any special attention to the balls, rushing, and pausing momentarily to talk about your mother, all ways that you can give head wrong. You don’t just put it in your mouth and move your head around. You use your tongue and hands and lips to give it a complete going over. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to be alone for a minute.
Gordo:
I have had plenty of crappy blowies. It is possible to give head in an unsatisfying manner. Some people complain about teeth, but then some people like teeth. Some people like deep-throating the cock, some don’t. I don’t know… If the mouth you are getting head from is attached to a person you don’t find attractive, spiritually or physically I would think you could get some crappy head that way too.
malfouka:
Ask your partner what he likes, what he doesn’t like (conversely, tell your partner what you like and don’t like). Experiment with different techniques. I suggest picking up the following two books: Tricks to Please a Man by Jay Wiseman (2003) and
The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio: How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure by Violet Blue (2002). Even if you are a seasoned fellator, there is always more to learn! Above all, practice, practice, practice…
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Alright I’m not that new at this. I’m 18….I have a
couple of questions…like a girl can’t get pregnant by
swallowing right, and also how should I take it if it is
the girl’s first time? Another one is if my girl doesn’t want me to see her
pussy…what can I do to comfort her (she had some
childhood problems with this guy)? I don’t know what
to do. Also what’s the average size for an 18 year old?
Thank you.
Def:
Average is about 5 or 6 inches. But if you lay down,
get your dick REALLY hard and push it down towards
your legs and measure it you can get an extra inch
easy.
Average is about 5 or 6 inches. But if you lay down,get your dick REALLY hard and push it down towardsyour legs and measure it you can get an extra incheasy.Deb:
Your girlfriend can NOT get pregnant by swallowing. This is the beauty of oral sex. Everyone wins.
If it’s your girlfriend’s first time or one of the first times, it pays to be a little more courteous and pander to her interests rather than yours. For instance, if she’s on top, help her in her movements to bring both you and her off to orgasm.
Don’t think that a woman (or man) knows immediately what to do, because we don’t. We know where a dick is supposed to go, but that’s about it. The rest comes with practise and guidance. I suggest putting her on top with your knees raised so she has no where to go BUT your dick. You can limit the movements or let the roam free depending on the position of your knees. The higher you have them, the fewer places she has to go.
If she’s fucking you, then the childhood problems are about 90% put to rest. Do what feels good.
Alix:
1)Swallowing is the best contraceptive, keep up the good work.
2)Missionary is probably the best position to take ‘it’ in if she’s new to sex. Just kneel between her legs after a great deal of foreplay and rub the head of your penis against her clitoris, occasionally sliding it down between her lips to help separate them. Then place your penis at
the opening of her vagina and lean forward and kiss her neck and mouth gently. Stroke her breasts and play with her hair. Be patient and be gentle and before you know it her body will relax to the point that her vagina will slowly loosen up and you will slide in there before you know it. Get the rest in there an inch at a time. Set the mood with candles and some music or read her a poem while you trace the contours of her face and body. I would also recommend using the KY warming lotion
3)Patience is the only cure for this ill. Patience and her trust. Make love in the dark several times until she realizes that you’re not some loser who’s gonna bang her and split—then, one day suggest having have sex during the daytime. If she agrees to this, it means she’s comfortable with the way she looks around you. Then one day suggest taking a shower together…but don’t stare. When you actually see it, go out of your way to tell her how cute it looks, and that you don’t see what she was worried about. But don’t make big deal of it. Unless of course she has a penis, But then that’ll be the least of your concerns.
4)I think average is about 4-6 inches fully erect.
The Corp:
Nope. A girl can’t get pregnant from swallowing. She won’t even get sick – unless it tastes like crap. (But then, I don’t imagine it tastes that great anyway. It’s full of 30 million swimming things – it won’t ever be a Ben & Jerry flavour.) For a girl’s first time – take it very slow, very gentle. Light candles, give her a massage, and then, explore her pussy with your tongue and a couple of fingers. When you and she agree that she’s ready, you can slowly proceed to the next step. The average size is 5 – 6 inches (hard) for a fully grown male. At 18, you are probably done growing, so, you are stuck with whatever you have. A lot of women say that size doesn’t matter, but they can’t be trusted. (I especially hate it when they say that, because my huge one feels so unappreciated).
malfouka:
First times are tough. I would suggest you manually and orally stimulate her for a great length of time before attempting any sort of penetration. When she feels that she is ready—don’t assume, ask her!—have her on top so that she can control the speed and depth of penetration. If she is not relaxed before you attempt intercourse, it will be infinitely more painful and shocking for her. Spend time kissing and whispering sweet things. Tell her how beautiful she is. Worship her body. When penetration has been achieved, do not stop with the kissing and touching. The entire body can be one giant erogenous zone. As for the looks of her genitals, most women have never had the opportunity to actually view another woman’s vulva. It is common for women to feel unsure and worried about how their genitals look. Rather than show her the airbrushed, cosmeticized, and surgically enhanced vulvas found in porn magazines and films, I suggest picking up a copy of the book Femalia by Joani Blank(1993)—cover to cover natural photographs of the genitalia of “real” women—and either look at it together or give it to her as a gift.
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Is it true douching is bad for a womans snapper?
Gordo:
First off, I don’t think that “snapper” is a good term for a woman’s vagina. I think it is very disrespectful. I am even wondering if you deserve an answer. BUT! I need to take ignorance into account and maybe you don’t know that you are not being very polite. So no, douching is not good for a woman. I would recommend though if a woman really felt the need to douche, she might just try warm water. I think she should stay away from those over the counter scented douches. I am not an expert on this though. Watch yr language. It is time we all began treating women with the respect they deserve…that includes their genitals.
Zafu:
If by snapper you mean vagina, then yes. Vaginas clean
themselves, notwithstanding popular lore about “dirty”
snatches and such. Douches often have fragrances and
additives that can irritate the sensitive tissue in the
vagina and vulva. Just say no to douching, even with the
old standby “vinegar and water.” Let your pussy be.
malfouka:
… let it be. Let it be, let it be. Yeah.
There won’t be a problem (if), you let it be…
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Sexperts:
Big Daddy Love: He’s Big Daddy Love, what else is there to say? Oh, and he likes white cotton panties.
Gordo: 5’11, sarcastic, gorgeous. Too bad ladies, he’s also gay as a $3 bill. Gordo comes by his expert sexual advice via the films of John Waters and the local bathhouses. Along with Big Daddy Love, Gordo is also one-half of our resident Cheech and Chong.
Toledo Vader: When she’s not playing with books, she’s playing with the affections of men and women everywhere. Also, where else are you going to find a genius with the potty-mouth of a frat boy and familiarity with every horror film ever produced? Trust us, TV may be the world’s most perfect woman.
Zafufilia: She’s smart, she’s funny, she likes to play dirty—and we’re not talking games of skill or chance here. Besides, she’s willing to put out—answers to sex questions that is! You got a question, Zafu will tell it like it is and you better be listening!
malfouka: She once described herself as a near-endless fount of useless information. Not always true, but she does read a lot. Ask her anything and she’ll come up with some sort of answer.
New Sexperts:
Alix
The Corporal
Deb
Defiant
